Observations on Accountants, Auditors, Tax Inspectors and Taxes

Having been an accountant, auditor and a tax auditor here are some vignettes about these subjects which I obtained from various sources on the Web:


One day in microeconomics, the professor was writing up the typical "underlying assumptions" in preparation to explain a new model. I turned to my friend and asked, "What would Economics be without assumptions?" He thought for a moment, then replied, "Accounting."

A science graduate asks, "Why does it work?" An engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?" An accounting graduate asks, "How much it costs?" A humanity graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that, Sir?"

While waiting to board a plane in a small airport, a ticket agent said on the paging system: "Would the accountant who dropped his pants please return to the ticket counter." After a slight pause, the same voice added, "The pants were on a hanger!"

Accountant's Life:
He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played.
He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid.
And when up and passed and away, insurance was denied.
For since he hadn't ever lived, they claimed he never died.


What is the definition of an accountant?Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't understand.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.

What is an auditor?Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?Depreciation.

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?"Darling, tell me about your work."

When the accountant laughs loud?When some one asks for a raise.

What did the accountant say when he got a blank cheque?My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.

How does an accountant stay out of debt?He learns to act his wage.

There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can't.

Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant?The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.

For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.

"What's the difference between an overzealous tax auditor and a rottweiler? Answer: "A rottweiler eventually lets go!"

"How can you tell when a tax auditor is trying to trap you into a confession?" Answer: "When his lips are moving."

Tax loopholes are like parking meters. As soon as you see one they're gone.

Q. What's the difference between a tax adviser and an angry bull?A. The tax adviser charges more.

There are two sides to a debate on tax; until a tax adviser takes one.

I don't drink, smoke or drive a car - Mr. Brown says I'm a tax avoider.

Insanity comes from overtaxing a clever mind.

If you want to foil that CRA computer fill out your self-assessment form using Roman numerals.

The CRA make mistakes: taxpayers are negligent.

Haggis and tax laws are both the result of bloody processes; the end result is a mystery and you wouldn't want to watch either being made.

Having tax lawyers draft tax law is like having doctors make diseases.

The CRA's computer believes that the generation of names for random audit is too important to be left to chance.

If the tax office don't treat you as they should - be thankful.

If the chance of getting a tax audit is 1000 to 1, why is it 50/50 that it will be you?

A tax inspector is someone who persists in holding his own view even after we've enlightened him with ours

Golf is a lot like taxes --you drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Ambition in Canada is still rewarded . . . with high taxes.

Canada is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

Canadians are now in a daze from intaxication.

There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small.

The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.

The path of civilization is paved with tax receipts.

Every year around April 30 Canadians have a rendezvous with debt.

One of the great blessings about living in a democracy is that we have complete control over how we pay our taxes . . . cash, cheque or money order.

The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

Some people think the government owes them a living. The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.

Everybody works for the government, either on the payroll or the taxroll.

A man's home is his castle. At least that's how he feels when he pays taxes on it.

The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding.

It's too bad for the middle income person. They earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them.

When making out your tax return, it's better to give than to deceive.

When it comes to income tax, most of us would be willing to pay as we go if we could only catch up on where we've been.

An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.

Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast.

We wouldn't mind paying income tax if we could know which country it's going to.

Trying to curb inflation by raising taxes is like giving a drunk another drink to sober him up.

A harp is a piano after taxes.

One of the biggest advantages of being poor is that you'll never have to undergo the trauma of a tax audit.

The reward for saving money is being able to pay our taxes without borrowing.

Science has increased our life span considerably. Now we can look forward to paying our taxes at least ten years longer.

At no time is it easier to keep your mouth shut than during an audit of your income-tax return.

Taxation is a lot like sheep shearing. As long as you shear a sheep it will continue to produce a new crop of wool. But you can skin the animal only once.

Is there any human activity that isn't tax licensed, regulated, or restricted?

When it comes to a tax reduction, never has so little been waited for by so many for so long.

It will be real nice if taxes get down to where we can afford to make a living.

A window sign in Toronto: "Tax Returns Prepared - Honest Mistakes Are Our Specialty."

A tax-dodger is a person who does not love their country less, but loves their money more.


A week ago I coundn't spell "accountant " and now I are one!!!

As a Student (many years ago)

As a High School Student

All through the first three years of high school, my teacher had tried to teach me something, anything.

Finally in frustration, he asked; "Stash, are you ignorant or apathetic?"

To which I replied, "I don't know and I don't care."

(not really!!)

From the Mouths of Children.. Quotes to Remember!!

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli or a brussel sprout in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

It's hard to unlearn a bad word.

Ask Why until you understand.

It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.

A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.

It's only fun to play school when you're the teacher.

Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.

Twelve is a lot older than eight.

Crawling still gets you there.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.

You can't start over just because you're losing the game.

A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.

All libraries smell the same.

Ask where things come from.

Don't nod on the phone.

Chaos - Hospitals, Specialists, Surgery Wait-Lists

What's Happening ?? I Doesn't Make Sense !!

Well (high) paid hospital administrators and politicians, thank God, are not running any airline. If they were:

1. There would be insufficient funding to fly the aircraft.


2. There would be a constant shortage of pilots and attendants.


3. There would be unused aircraft because of the above situations and these aircraft would sit idle.


4. All persons wishing to fly would be admitted using a triage system where "need" would be analyzed and categories of "urgency" classified prior to acceptance of the passenger.


5. All flights would leave with a standard delay of many weeks with the possibility further delays due to overbooking.

Santa's Reindeer Not Listening

I said "The Schmidt House!!!"

Numbers are Weird!!!

Strange Number

This is really strange.. try it!

GET A CALCULATOR.

1. Key into the calculator the first 3 digits of your phone number (the exchange, not the area code).

2. Multiply by 80

3. Add 1

4. Multiply by 250

5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again

7. Subtract 250

8. Lastly, divide by 2

Is this your phone number?

Older Person - Quiz ???

How many do you remember?

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count only the ones that you remember. Don't count the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
2. Ignition switches on the dashboard.
3. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
4. Real ice boxes.
5. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
6. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
7. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
8. Blackjack chewing gum.
9. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water.
10. Candy cigarettes.
11. Pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
12. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes.
13. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.
14. Telephone party lines.
15. Newsreels before the movie.
16. Butch wax.
17. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933).
18. Peashooters.
19. Howdy Doody.
20. 45 RPM records
21. Hi-fi's.
22. Metal ice trays with lever.
23. Mimeograph paper.
24. Blue flashbulb.
25. Packards26. Roller skate keys.
27. Cork popguns28. Drive-ins.
29. Studebakers.
30. Wash tub wringers.


If you remembered 0-6 = You're still young
If you remembered 7-15 = You are getting older
If you remembered 16-23 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 24-30 = You're older than dirt!

Puns

Puns Galore!!!! :>) (<:


1. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

2. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

3. A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

4. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

5. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

6. A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Guy 'n Gal in Bar

Guy and Girl in a Bar

A guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good looking! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Some Blond (guys 'n girls) Stories

Two Blond Men

A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by- twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Blonde Coworker

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers, a blonde, came in and asked me what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My blonde coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

A Blonde Buys Christmas Stamps

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A Mood Changer

Questions for a Slightly Twisted Mind

You can't read THIS and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Inuit Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Is a Texas Tornado And a Alabama Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!

Getting Older - Some Thoughts

About Growing Older

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Us (for use on the profile part of this Blog)

Bear Advice and Intelligence!!

British Columbia Bear Information

In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the British Columbia Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoors people wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoors people to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoors people should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smells like pepper.

(If you haven't guessed already, this is NOT an official communication)

How smart is your right foot???

This will keep you busy for a while, trying to outsmart your right foot, but you can't:

1. While sitting, lift you right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now while doing this, draw the number "6", in the air, with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction ..... and there is nothing you can do about it!!

Something to Think About ...

I'm humble and proud of it.

Joke-more or less ...

A famous comedian was asked what he considered to be the best joke he ever heard.

He replied that it was when a person was asked what the world's greatest invention was, the person replied " A Thermos or a vacuum bottle, in winter it keeps hot things hot and in summer it keeps cold things cold." And after a moment he said "But how does it know??"

Just Wondering...

While I know that there are the genuinely poor and the genuinely homeless and there are persons with mental situations that cause them to be in those categories, I must ask the following:

Food Banks - from small volunteer-run organizations have these become an industry involving many paid operators and employees??

Homelessness - in a period of record low unemployment rates why is this happening?? Is this another social assistance industry in its infancy??

As shown in the media, some clients of food banks and some "homeless" are shown as smokers and wearing expensive jackets. One of the agencies looking for clothing asked for "Gore-Tex" type jackets (I have felt that I couldn't afford the luxury of one!!) Where do the food bank clients get cigarettes? Are there cigarette banks??

Some photos taken on our camping/fishing trips.