Having been an accountant, auditor and a tax auditor here are some vignettes about these subjects which I obtained from various sources on the Web:One day in microeconomics, the professor was writing up the typical "underlying assumptions" in preparation to explain a new model. I turned to my friend and asked, "What would Economics be without assumptions?" He thought for a moment, then replied, "Accountin
g."
A science graduate asks, "Why does it work?" An engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?" An accounting graduate asks, "How much it costs?" A humanity graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that, Sir?"
While waiting to board a plane in a small airport, a ticket agent said on the paging system: "Would the accountant who dropped his pants please return to the ticket counter." After a slight pause, the same voice added, "The pants were on a hanger!"
Accountant's Life:
He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played.
He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid.
And when up and passed and away, insurance was denied.
For since he hadn't ever lived, they claimed he never died.
What is the definition of an accountant?Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't understand.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.
What is an auditor?Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?Depreciation.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?"Darling, tell me about your work."
When the accountant laughs loud?When some one asks for a raise.
What did the accountant say when he got a blank cheque?My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.
How does an accountant stay out of debt?He learns to act his wage.
There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can't.
Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant?The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.
For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.
"What's the difference between an overzealous tax auditor and a rottweiler? Answer: "A rottweiler eventually lets go!"
"How can you tell when a tax auditor is trying to trap you into a confession?" Answer: "When his lips are moving."
Tax loopholes are like parking meters. As soon as you see one they're gone.
Q. What's the difference between a tax adviser and an angry bull?A. The tax adviser charges more.
There are two sides to a debate on tax; until a tax adviser takes one.
I don't drink, smoke or drive a car - Mr. Brown says I'm a tax
avoider.
Insanity comes from overtaxing a clever mind.
If you want to foil that
CRA computer fill out your self-assessment form using Roman numerals.
The
CRA make mistakes: taxpayers are negligent.
Haggis and tax laws are both the result of bloody processes; the end result is a mystery and you wouldn't want to watch either being made.
Having tax lawyers draft tax law is like having doctors make diseases.
The
CRA's computer believes that the generation of names for random audit is too important to be left to chance.
If the tax office don't treat you as they should - be thankful.
If the chance of getting a tax audit is 1000 to 1, why is it 50/50 that it will be you?
A tax inspector is someone who persists in holding his own view even after we've enlightened him with ours
Golf is a lot like taxes --you drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.
Ambition in Canada is still rewarded . . . with high taxes.
Canada is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.
Canadians are now in a daze from
intaxication.
There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small.
The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.
The path of civilization is paved with tax receipts.
Every year around April 30 Canadians have a rendezvous with debt.
One of the great blessings about living in a democracy is that we have complete control over how we pay our taxes . . . cash, cheque or money order.
The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes.
A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.
Some people think the government owes them a living. The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.
Everybody works for the government, either on the payroll or the
taxroll.
A man's home is his castle. At least that's how he feels when he pays taxes on it.
The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding.
It's too bad for the middle income person. They earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them.
When making out your tax return, it's better to give than to deceive.
When it comes to income tax, most of us would be willing to pay as we go if we could only catch up on where we've been.
An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.
Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast.
We wouldn't mind paying income tax if we could know which country it's going to.
Trying to curb inflation by raising taxes is like giving a drunk another drink to sober him up.
A harp is a piano after taxes.
One of the biggest advantages of being poor is that you'll never have to undergo the trauma of a tax audit.
The reward for saving money is being able to pay our taxes without borrowing.
Science has increased our life span considerably. Now we can look forward to paying our taxes at least ten years longer.
At no time is it easier to keep your mouth shut than during an audit of your income-tax return.
Taxation is a lot like sheep shearing. As long as you shear a sheep it will continue to produce a new crop of wool. But you can skin the animal only once.
Is there any human activity that isn't tax licensed, regulated, or restricted?
When it comes to a tax reduction, never has so little been waited for by so many for so long.
It will be real nice if taxes get down to where we can afford to make a living.
A window sign in Toronto: "Tax Returns Prepared - Honest Mistakes Are Our Specialty."
A tax-dodger is a person who does not love their country less, but loves their money more.
A week ago I coundn't spell "accountant " and now I are one!!!
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